When I stepped into Health class the very first day of the new semester, I was expecting to learn about how we should save ourselves for marriage and all that jazz or how to put a condom on a banana (I’ve always wanted to try). Maybe if I was really lucky, we would get to see pictures of STDs (I’m a ghoul, I’m fully aware). But what I didn’t expect to learn in Health was my teacher’s personal life…in alarming detail. Here is what I’ve learned in Health for the pass three months:

1. One day, he went to check his email, but oh wait…his wife’s email was open. Instead of signing out like a respectful husband, he decided to open an email from a man, a man she was having an affair with. Gasp! Apparently, this man was her boyfriend in high school… oh the scandal! When Coach Finkle found out, he threw the computer out the window in a fit of rage and despair. I feel like he could have just punched a wall instead, but he threw his expensive computer out of the second story window. Sigh.

2.He proceeded to tell us that she only cheated on him emotionally, but that was enough to make them go to counseling for a year to try to save the dregs of their marriage. Sadly, after a year they were divorced. How did he cope with said divorce you ask? He wrote in his journal, then once he was finished with it, he threw it into the fiery depths of his fireplace!

3. Coach Finkle saved himself for marriage. Why, why, why would he tell us, his students, this? Is it his way of telling us it’s Worth the Wait? Also, I really don’t want to know that he has great sex now. Like whoa cowboy, hold your horses. Think about what you’re about to say and if it’s anything about your sexual life, then just hold it in.

4.When he was younger, he enjoyed taking his dates cow tipping. Classy.

5. When he was a wee teenager, such as myself, he experienced…enraged hormones in his car. Now really, why did he need to bring that up when telling us to drive safe and sober? That information was very much unneeded. I had nightmares for months. Gross. Just gross.

6. He went into detail, gory detail, about the birth of his newborn child. He told us everything. There are some things that I can never unhear, and that’s one of them. Gah.

That’s what I learn in Health. Not, you know, puberty and sex stuff. Who needs to know about that? It’s not important or anything. I would much rather learn about Coach Finkle’s personal life. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is my Health teacher.