Category Archives: health

Can’t Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me.

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I really should be sleeping right now, I mean I have to wake up for school in five hours. But sleep just won’t love me tonight. But you know what does? Paranoia. That’s what. Because apparently when one wants to sleep, that’s the best time for one’s brain to realize everything one is paranoid about. Such as…

*Never being able to turn in my Macbeth vocabulary set because the school magically combusted into flames. Ms.Trunchbull would still count off points, which would lead to a low-grade in English! That’s just unacceptable.

*Allen becoming Dictator of the World. Y’all if Allen became dictator of the world,then we would all be learning how to play Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon. Our currency will probably end up becoming Yu-Gi-Oh cards…

* The fact that I have to audition for choir in front of the scariest choir director ever!Dr. Childrish will probably tell me that I should just surgically remove my vocal chords because I can’t hold a note to save my life! I’m not even taking choir again next year. This is just a cruel and unusual punishment!

*Never being able to go whale watching because I randomly developed a fear of water. Oh gosh, then I’d have to stop going to the beach…that just won’t do.

*Drunkenly getting a tattoo but oh wait! The needle hasn’t been sterilized! Thus, I end up getting a horrible life altering virus!

*Becoming a revenge demon. They’re hideous creatures…or at least they are on Buffy. They should all really look into getting a face lift.

*Being young forever because I accidentally drank from the Tuck Everlasting pond…which by the way, was such a bad idea! Think of all the bacteria festering inside of it…

*Someone tattooing the Swastika to my forehead while I’m unconscious due to being hit over the head with a bowling ball. Then, for the rest of my life people will think that I’m a Neo-Nazi. Mothers will tell their children to stay away from me and angry mobs will throw rotten carrots at me as I walk past! That’s just a life I don’t care to have.

* That if I fall asleep, an evil psycho clown will come to eat me. But really, clowns are the creepiest party animals ever. Why do we need creepy old men with face paint on to come to our birthday parties?

Now, I’m off to sleep loves…well I’m going to try to at least.

You Should Get That Checked, It Could be Cancerous!

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I’ve grown up in a household where the crimson textbooks full of infectious diseases and parasites were the normal things to read about. Because every seventh grader wants to know about parasites, didn’t you know? So why my family laughs whenever I tell them they might have a cancerous mole on their thigh  is beyond me.  They really should have seen this coming.

Cancerous mole you say? Well yes, you could very well have a mole full of evil on you!If one of your moles is oddly shaped,changes colors( from black to brown, not pink to green…), or if it’s scaly! Whenever I see a mole resembling something of that sort I feel the need to tell the people around me that their mole is cancerous. I don’t want them wandering about town with a giant mole of death on them! It’s really the polite thing to do.

Now that I’m thinking about it, just before my dad’s last dermatologist appointment I told him he should get the mole on his neck checked…and guess what happened when he went to the dermatologist? She removed it! She said she didn’t like the looks of it, that it might be CANCEROUS.

So moral of the story,everyone should listen to me when I tell them they might have a mole full of cancer on them. I’m obviously a cancerous mole whisperer.