Category Archives: life

Hormonal Fiends.

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Yesterday, while trying to quickly finish my Spanish assignment before the last bell rang, I overheard a conversation between a group of fiendish hormonal boys. They were discussing what they liked in their “chicks,” but did any of it have to do with personality? Whatsoever? No. It only had to do with the size of the girl’s breasts and arse. Because apparently that’s the only important thing when it comes to dating a girl.

These boys are about fourteen, they’re tiny whippersnappers and they’re talking about how they’re only interested in having sex with girls and nothing else. I’m just sitting there thinking that how in the world are they going to have sex? They can’t drive, they’re literally five feet tall, they have the worst body odor, and I would bet my life that they would pee themselves if given a sexual opportunity. But most of all, what self-respecting girl would go out with them? They’re dogs. Rabid, hormonal, degrading, dogs.

They talked about girls as if our only purpose in life is to be attractive to them. It felt like I had transported back to early Qing China, where the woman’s only purpose was to be pretty and have children.

I was literally about to thrash them upside the head with my textbook.
But then the bell rang.
Lucky for them.

What I Learn in Health Class…

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When I stepped into Health class the very first day of the new semester, I was expecting to learn about how we should save ourselves for marriage and all that jazz or how to put a condom on a banana (I’ve always wanted to try). Maybe if I was really lucky, we would get to see pictures of STDs (I’m a ghoul, I’m fully aware). But what I didn’t expect to learn in Health was my teacher’s personal life…in alarming detail. Here is what I’ve learned in Health for the pass three months:

1. One day, he went to check his email, but oh wait…his wife’s email was open. Instead of signing out like a respectful husband, he decided to open an email from a man, a man she was having an affair with. Gasp! Apparently, this man was her boyfriend in high school… oh the scandal! When Coach Finkle found out, he threw the computer out the window in a fit of rage and despair. I feel like he could have just punched a wall instead, but he threw his expensive computer out of the second story window. Sigh.

2.He proceeded to tell us that she only cheated on him emotionally, but that was enough to make them go to counseling for a year to try to save the dregs of their marriage. Sadly, after a year they were divorced. How did he cope with said divorce you ask? He wrote in his journal, then once he was finished with it, he threw it into the fiery depths of his fireplace!

3. Coach Finkle saved himself for marriage. Why, why, why would he tell us, his students, this? Is it his way of telling us it’s Worth the Wait? Also, I really don’t want to know that he has great sex now. Like whoa cowboy, hold your horses. Think about what you’re about to say and if it’s anything about your sexual life, then just hold it in.

4.When he was younger, he enjoyed taking his dates cow tipping. Classy.

5. When he was a wee teenager, such as myself, he experienced…enraged hormones in his car. Now really, why did he need to bring that up when telling us to drive safe and sober? That information was very much unneeded. I had nightmares for months. Gross. Just gross.

6. He went into detail, gory detail, about the birth of his newborn child. He told us everything. There are some things that I can never unhear, and that’s one of them. Gah.

That’s what I learn in Health. Not, you know, puberty and sex stuff. Who needs to know about that? It’s not important or anything. I would much rather learn about Coach Finkle’s personal life. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is my Health teacher.

You Should Get That Checked, It Could be Cancerous!

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I’ve grown up in a household where the crimson textbooks full of infectious diseases and parasites were the normal things to read about. Because every seventh grader wants to know about parasites, didn’t you know? So why my family laughs whenever I tell them they might have a cancerous mole on their thigh  is beyond me.  They really should have seen this coming.

Cancerous mole you say? Well yes, you could very well have a mole full of evil on you!If one of your moles is oddly shaped,changes colors( from black to brown, not pink to green…), or if it’s scaly! Whenever I see a mole resembling something of that sort I feel the need to tell the people around me that their mole is cancerous. I don’t want them wandering about town with a giant mole of death on them! It’s really the polite thing to do.

Now that I’m thinking about it, just before my dad’s last dermatologist appointment I told him he should get the mole on his neck checked…and guess what happened when he went to the dermatologist? She removed it! She said she didn’t like the looks of it, that it might be CANCEROUS.

So moral of the story,everyone should listen to me when I tell them they might have a mole full of cancer on them. I’m obviously a cancerous mole whisperer.