Tag Archives: Humor

I Need a Job for the New Year, Please.

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I’ve come to the sudden realization that I’m a complete and utter moocher of others. I mooch off of my splendid pesky parents, my friends, and my cute barista(or is it baristo?). So basically, I mooch off of everyone I know and I’m putting my size eight foot down, this instant.

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By putting my foot down, I’m now out in search of a job. A minimum wage paying job. Any job will do. Of course, I would much rather prefer to work in places like The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf or The World Market rather than McDonalds and Burger King. Places where I won’t have any chance of smelling like ketchup, as well as  accidentally tripping into a deep vat of boiling grease. Trust me, I would be the one person that would happen to.

In addition, I honestly want to like the job. Which is a lot to ask for I know, but I don’t want to dread going to work like so many of my working friends do. I want to enjoy the work I do, even if it’s only folding clothes and standing at a cash register,while getting yelled at by an unhappy middle aged customer. Angry customers and tedious tasks will be at every job, but good coworkers won’t be. Coworkers either make or break the level of enjoyment in a job, at least that’s my observation from being at Starbucks everyday.

It shouldn’t be too hard to find a good job, right? Right.

Why Not the Gift of Intelligence?

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Hello again lovelies!This past week I went to go see Maleficent with my  super cute boyfriend, Taylor the Latte Boy, and overall it was a pretty neat movie but I have one major complaint.

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Throughout the entire movie, I couldn’t help but think that Sleeping Beauty was probably one of the biggest dunces in all of fairytale history…well besides Snow White.  All Sleeping Beauty ever wanted to do was wander through the Moor and be friends with all the fairies and terrifyingly hideous tree people! Sleeping Beauty  wanted to run away from the charmingly quaint cottage she lived in with her three aunties, who sacrificed the ability to fly to take care of her cursed self for sixteen years,  to go run off into the arms of the woman who cursed her? Capital idea Sleeping Beauty! Round of applause!

Furthermore, that girl needed a Sassy Gay Friend to tell her that running off  after being told she’s cursed probably wasn’t the  best  idea she’s ever had. Honestly, you find out you’re cursed and you choose to go to the one place in the kingdom that has all of the spindles? Also, why weren’t they all destroyed? There was literally a room full of the one item that would cause her to fall into a deep sleep…a.k.a. a coma! C’mon King Phillip, get with the program. Those spindles were no where near destroyed. Tsk. Tsk.

Lastly, when the three aunties were giving her gifts, why couldn’t they have given her the Gift of Intelligence? They gave her the gift of beauty and to be loved by everyone, but not to have common sense? The Gift of Intelligence would have  come in handy for her, especially when  she walked the woods alone at night…didn’t she know about the Big Bad Wolf? No common sense, I tell ya! Sleeping Beauty also would have known how to talk to people other than her aunties and fairies…that scene with the prince was cringe worthy! She became a mute..because of a boy asking for directions! Also, I find that being loved by everyone would also have it’s setbacks…for example, stalkers? They basically gave her the gift of stalkers. Good job aunties!

Y’all I haven’t been able to stop ranting about her lack of intelligence to my boyfriend…and it’s been a week. It really did a number on me and I just had to share it with you.

All I Want for Christmas Are Plain M&Ms…

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Y’all, I go to lots of movies.  You could even venture to say that I am a movie fanatic. Part of the full movie experience is what you get beforehand; for example, I get plain M&Ms and butter-free popcorn. Yet somehow all of the local movie theaters have stopped selling plain M&Ms!

All they have is pretzel and peanut M&Ms. Now, why would I want to eat pretzel M&Ms with my butter-free popcorn? That’s throwing the salty and sweet ratio off balance to where it is down right putrid! All I want is to be able to buy  my wonderfully boring candy at the theater, instead of having to drive to the local Walgreens to get it. Because sometimes we end up missing the previews! Which I highly look forward to, especially if I’m seeing a romantic comedy or if it’s at Alamo Drafthouse.

Maybe, the world has decided that it hates plain M&Ms or me…unlikely but still …or a new super villain is trying to take over the world but to power their electromagnetic wave gun and freeze guns they need all the plain M&Ms in the world! Otherwise, this super villain shall never be able to reek havoc among us civilians! This super villain can’t use the pretzel and peanut ones due to the fact  they end up melting the innocent (in some cases) victim instead…which is rather messy and it leads to a rather rancid odor. This scenario is much more likely.

I realize this is a very silly thing to be perturbed about, but y’all plain M&Ms are meant to be with popcorn. They’re food soul mates! All I want is to have my wonderfully boring M&Ms once more. Please.

Also, what the heck are Red Vines? Fake Twizzlers?

Pretty Little Liars: Why All the Gasping?

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watch-pretty-little-liarsPretty Little Liars came out on Netflix! I was really excited about it because I believed I could be Nancy Drew and figure out who A is! But alas, no such luck. I haven’t given up hope, though! But there are some things in the show that I just don’t understand.

Such as, why didn’t they go to the police when they received the first A text? I never understood why they would keep letting themselves be blackmailed. Why would they keep that a secret when it led to their best friend being murdered? The police have more resources than they do. If they had, they would have never been arrested…multiple times.Their records are pretty lengthy by now.

Also, why do people believe them when they say they’re okay after giving their phone a wide eyed deer in the headlights look? Saying it’s your mom or dad who texted you is the worst lie in the city of Liarville. Worst. They could tone down the gasping too. It looks much too suspicious and it worries me that they might have asthma.

And really, if one is trying to keep one’s illicit affair with one’s teacher a secret, I recommend not making out in the middle of Town Square and also not getting in fights at school…where one of them works…that’s less than secretive.

Also, they seriously need to lock their freaking doors. Why would you leave them unlocked when someone is trying to kill you? That’s an actual death wish. And for the love of God they need to check their closets for evil conniving  black hoodie wearing murderers! There has been more than one occasion where that’s where A was hiding. Did they never read mystery novels as children? Like Nancy Drew, for instance?

Lastly, what’s up with all the gorgeous older men in that town falling in love with a bunch of teenage girls? Is there something in the water? Because I mean damn, that’s super illegal kids.

I have to keep watching it, though. They’ve sucked me into the void! I can’t not know who A is…shame on you, ABC Family!

What I Learned From Disneyland

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On Sunday, I went to Disneyland (also known as The Most Magical Place Ever) with my  lovely sister! Everything was full of Disney magic and wonderfulness.  But I did learn a few things between rides and delicious junk food, such as:

1. Childrehauntedmansionn under the age of about six don’t like dark rides, they’re actually deathly afraid of them. Well, beforehand at least. There was this adorable little princess( she was dressed as Sleeping Beauty! So cute.) in front of us in line and she was absolutely petrified! I didn’t realize  kids were petrified of cute tiny dark rides.

2. Splash Mountain is full of splashes of  water! Shocking, I know. But really, I didn’t actually believe I would get splashed or wet, for that matter. I don’t know why I thought that. I mean, the ride is called Splash Mountain for Heaven’s sake. It’s full of moving water  on a mountain! When we got off the ride we were both rather soaked. My poor purse…

3. Ice Cream Parlours do not give you enough napkins! Also,where are the tables? There were like three tables and lots of elbows to the ribs to get just one! Grace and I were sent out into the cold with our sundaes like sad puppies. Which is when my sundae thought it would be a fabulous idea to drip upon me. No big deal, I thought..I’ll just go get some napkins. Oh wait…they don’t have any napkins. One would think children spill ice cream all the time, why no napkins Disneyland?

4. Souvenirs are expensive. I mean they were wonderful souvenirs but I feel like Minnie Mouse ears should  never cost twenty dollars. Although, the Minnie Mouse ears were super cute and so worth it. You must have Minnie Mouse ears if you want the full Disneyland experience!

5.Mothers and Fathers enjoy dressing  up their tiny children in the most adorable costumes ever. Grace and I sat behind a family where there were two little boys; One of them was dressed as a Prince – he was very dashing in my opinion. The other little boy was dressed as Indiana Jones! They were too cute. Also, there was a  tiny girl child dressed up as Mary Poppins! By the way, Mary Poppins was definitely not a cocaine dealer to little children.So please, children of my generation, stop ruining my childhood with your drug insinuations.

6. Some children rides are vastly inappropriate for children, such as the Snow White ride. That ride was terrifying! The Evil Witch Queen ( I don’t know her name so that’s what I’m calling her) would just pop out at you! And there was lighting and wolves! Were they  trying to give tiny healthy children heart attacks? Because if so, they succeeded by giving a sixteen year old a heart attack.

7. The last tidbit of information I learned is that The Pirates of the Caribbean, Peter Pan,  Haunted Mansion, and Indiana Jones rides were by far the best and most magical ones.

It was a very educational adventure for me, might I say.

Hello California, I Quite Like You.

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217_001Ahh! I’m a horribly terrible blog poster person! But c’mon y’all…SUMMER IS HERE! Honestly, if I had to continue going to school for another week, I would have just jumped in front of a moving school bus. I’m completely serious..kind of. Not really…but still. Summer really needed to come and it did! Thank God.

Now, I am in the lovely state of California! I’ve been here for about a week and I’m hopelessly in love with it. Why can’t I just stay here forever? No one sweats to death here, like they do in Texas! California is just too wonderful. We’ve been visiting some colleges here and I can definitely say that I would kill a small elderly rodent, if that meant I could attend college here.

I would much rather attend college in California than in Texas. I know I’m supposed to have Texan Pride and want to live there forever and all that jazz…but I don’t. I don’t believe that Texas is just the best state ever. It’s up there, but it’s not the best. It’s far too hot in the summer and there are entirely too many wannabe hicks and well..actual hicks. So, I’m giving the Best State Ever Award to California. Because it’s beautiful and there are pretty beaches and fresh strawberries from farmer markets!

Also, I’M GOING TO DISNEYLAND TOMORROW!!!! I’ve apparently been before, but that was when I was about two so I have no recollection of this. Well, no, that’s not quite true. I remember leaving my Mickey Mouse hat on the bus…which was a terrible life altering moment for Two Year Old Henrietta. So I need to make a better happier memory than that one! I’m rather excited, because I’m sixteen and I’ve never ridden a roller coaster before, which is just not right, So, wish me luck! I might vomit.

Cheers!

Netflix,Stabbings and Decapitation aren’t Romantic

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Lately I’ve been watching foreign romances on Netflix…and they are the most tragically depressing movies I have ever  seen.

In the last two days I’ve watched a movie about how an impoverished Indian woman receives a job at a hotel from a mysterious British hotelier to save her family from losing their house. Very heroic of her I would say. So they fall in love like people do, but soon after the happy dandy honeymoon phase is over, he starts to become more of a demanding asshat up to the point where she stabs him and herself. Like okay what. I was expecting them to run off together  and get married. To be happy.She would become a dancer and he would become a cinematic director. But that is the complete opposite of what happened. There was no happiness in this movie.

I figured it was just a one off, I didn’t expect to watch another horribly sad and heart-wrenching movie the next day…but I did. This movie was about a queen who had an affair with her husband’s handsome physician, which really I should have known it  all would just go downhill from there…but being the hopeful person I am I still had hope for them! The queen soon became pregnant with the physician’s baby, which meant she had to start visiting the king’s bedchamber again so no one would guess she was having an affair. They thought no one would ever find out about them…but a red-haired power-seeking hag  did. She and the Cabinet forced the Queen into exile and they tortured the physician until he confessed, he was soon then killed…his last thought was of her..that just about killed me. The King was forced down from the throne as well, which is good, he was a terrible king. But basically, there was no happiness in this movie except for the birth of the princess. I should have known that it would end terribly, the majority of the movie was gray lighting…that’s never ever a good sign. Sigh.

I’m just never again going to watch a “romantic” foreign movie from Netflix. Because what they really should be called are Heartbreakingly Tragic Foreign movies, not romantic. Decapitation is less than romantic.

Where’s My Hogwarts Acceptance Letter?

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H_finalY’all, I fully believe that I was accepted into Hogwarts.

I have a theory that someone else received my acceptance letter, because you know their postal services aren’t very reliable. I mean what if my owl was blind? It could have accidentally sent it to the next door neighbor’s chimney, or flew into a tree and someone else found it! There is that saying “Finders, Keepers, Losers Weepers.” In Texas, that one is almost more important than The Golden Rule.

And now, they have taken my identity. I am a victim of identity theft! We must all find the culprit, and turn their muggle head into an oxen’s buttocks! Then, I shall be able to resume my identity. My identity as The Greatest Wizardress on Earth. But oh no, since the person who took my name is a muggle, then they’re literally going to be the worst Wizard ever…or they’re dead by now.They have probably dragged my respectable name through the mud!

But that’s not all, I think that I’ve put a spell on my math teacher to give me good grades…so really, it would be the best if I went away…to Hogwarts! Where they could make sure I didn’t tell everyone of their existence…but oh wait…that’s too late isn’t it? Muahaha! They must take me in now!

Five points for Hufflepuff!

Also, I really just want to fight an evil twenty foot snake and save the world from the biggest and baddest wizard ever known…is that really too much to ask?

Let’s All Play a Game…the Quiet Game.

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TETRRF-00013265-001I literally cannot express my thankfulness and happiness that summer is just around the corner.

I’ve become this people-hating blonde monster. You think I’m kidding. I’m not. We have this patio inside our school, which is where a lot of people go in the morning to hang out…a lot of people who never stop to breathe. They just keep talking and talking. They never stop talking, ever.

I know they have freedom of speech, but can’t they have freedom of speech in a quieter voice? Why must they yell everything they say? I know too much about some guy’s girlfriend problems, and I now know where some kid in my math class gets his drugs. One would think they would want to keep that a secret from the police roaming the hallway? But they keep yelling, and I keep shaking my fist.

Even with some of my friends, I want to tell them that we should all just play the quiet game! I would really enjoy it if there were one day where everyone at school played the quiet game. It would be great.

Oh, and the lunch room is the worst. Everyone acts like a bunch of orangutans on acid! Everyone is all over the place. They’re yelling,dancing, throwing food, and scratching their buttocks! Shouldn’t you be eating? With your mouth closed? And sitting? Just keep eating! No need to talk! Y’all there are about two hundred people in my lunch, so it gets loud. Not kind of loud, but migraine in the making kind of loud. Oh my, I sound like a surly old man who wishes for the neighbor children to be abducted by aliens.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy talking to people..usually. But spending nine months with the same people, listening to them just endlessly talk, is mind-numbing. I wouldn’t mind if they talked about something interesting or if they were entertaining, but no. They talk about Manga, video games, and oh God…basketball. I just want to hit them upside the head with an iron skillet and tell them all to shh!

Only four more weeks, I can do this. I have faith. The force is with me.

Take Me Back…with Women’s Rights and Modern Medicine

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1850_fashion_ridingI wish I could go back in time to Victorian England, but with antibiotics and rights..

Think of all the fun they had. I mean, they went to balls and soirees! They Waltzed and Fox Trotted! I want to Fox Trot. We had cotillion in middle school, but my parents thought it would be too boring and stuffy. So, now I just keep dreaming of the day I can Fox Trot.

But moving on, let us not forget the gossip of The Ton! I bet they had the absolute best gossip ever. Basically everything was looked down upon, so it made a wrong doing even more scandalous. A simple embrace in the gardens would mean automatic marriage or a duel at dawn. Name your seconds!

AND FOR PETE’S SAKE, THE CLOTHES. They had the most magnificent clothes. All the men dressed dashingly and the women wore the most beautiful gowns. None of those basketball shorts or jeans, only dresses and suits of all different colors, in amazing fabrics. Ladies wore feathers in their hair and men wore top hats! Though, now that I think about…I could live without ever trying on a corset. Those cannot be good for one’s respiratory system! No wonder women were prone to fainting spells. I’d say if you can’t breathe, it would be pretty obvious that one is going to faint all the time. But really, a dress made out of pink silk sounds like Heaven…sigh.

Ooh…and rogues and rakes! The ones the ladies thought they could tame and make suitable enough to be their husbands. The ones the marriage-minded mamas told their daughters to stay away from. They gambled a bit too much, they drank whiskey instead of port, and they were dark and brooding! They sound so much more exciting than the stiff upper lip simpletons. Though, there was always the off chance that you could be married off to a fortune hunter or a man three times your age..or a fortune hunter who is three times your age. And you wouldn’t be able to stray, because that’s not what proper young ladies did back then.

Lastly, writing letters! They wrote actual letters to each other. Who does that on a regular basis now? It used to be the norm! The feeling when you get a letter addressed to you is the best. If I could only ever write letters as means of communication, I would.

Okay, I realize that I probably read too many historical romances and watch too many Jane Austen movies. It all just seems so delightful, if you ignore all that pesky oppression and disease. Someone please invent a time machine.

I would…but I have to go to high school. Sigh.